


Epiphany

by Cultivation



Series: Ashes [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Darth Maul Needs a Hug, Dialogue Heavy, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mentioned Ahsoka Tano, Mentioned Padmé Amidala, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Protective Darth Maul, Romance, Romantic Gestures, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:35:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29297469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cultivation/pseuds/Cultivation
Summary: Landing on Dathomir, Maul takes Obi-Wan to a special place.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Darth Maul
Series: Ashes [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2064831
Comments: 14
Kudos: 54





	Epiphany

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much [skittykitty](/users/skittykitty/) for beating this whole series. Please check them out!

“Kenobi.” 

He doesn’t flinch and he doesn’t answer. What he might say dies on his lips. The memory of his touch— of being carried away, _saved_ — dampens his recognition. Maul saved him. Why had he done that? Why had he brought him here? The sense of it all eludes him. Obi-Wan can’t comprehend Maul or himself. Padmé’s astute observation of the nature of their relationship had led him straight to the dark side. Anakin had led him there. The coldness of it all still lingers over his body like a malicious shadow. Obi-Wan imagines how, at any moment,— at any time it sees fit— its enticing grip will ensnare him once again. 

“Kenobi,” Maul repeats. Obi-Wan raises his head to his voice. “We’re here.” Numbly, he nods. He hadn’t even noticed the ship landing. Maul offers out a hand to Obi-Wan. Sparking warmth pulls him up and quiets the relentless mass of questions in his head. 

Red sky greets him first. The planet’s atmosphere is harsh, humid, and biting. Black monoliths made up of mountains, stone pillars, and trees line the horizon. The ground beneath his feet is cracked and hardened by dry and desolate years. Everything looks as if it were dead or dying. Darkness is tethered strongly to this place in particular. It is as if something terrible has happened here, unseen to Obi-Wan but forever echoing in the Force. He cannot begin to understand it; that would be a job for Maul. Ahead of them, in a clearing of tall boulders and imposing webs, lies a cave’s opening. Maul walks towards it without thought. Obi-Wan stands shock-still in place. He turns back for a few moments.

“Come now, Kenobi. Surely you don’t wish to be carried all the way there?” Silently, Obi-Wan quiets the emotions his teasing pushes to the surface and follows him into the cave. The darkness inside is blinding. Obi-Wan struggles to see anything at all. 

“Maul?” he calls out. Suddenly, a hand graces his wrist and ushers him with a gentle forcefulness. 

“There is something you must see,” Maul says softly. He clings to the warmth exuded in the darkness, allowing his feet to mimic the assured rhythm of Maul’s footsteps. Obi-Wan prefers this tone and obeys his commands. He doesn’t dare make any decisions for himself. The last decision he made ended in the injury of an innocent. He broke out a Sith— and, somehow, that feels less significant; it feels inevitable. What scares Obi-Wan most is the implications of it all. Has Maul been influencing him or was this darkness inevitable? Has the news spread yet? What would it say? Would they know what he had done? What must the Jedi Council think of him now? What would Ahsoka think of Obi-Wan? What would Anakin—

He should just stop thinking altogether; it does him no good to think. 

There is light at the end of the black tunnel. Maul’s touch is soothing and he allows the pull of it to silence the endless stream of thoughts with its burning sensation. Obi-Wan feels his grip around his wrist loosen as they reach a peak presiding over a vast expanse of land. Maul steps forward without him and stares over the various hills of hardened stone and steep ravines in the cracked earth. Rotting trees curved inward, devoid of water or care, seem to fester. From Obi-Wan’s perspective, he thinks they must need care. Soundlessly, he supposes it is possible they don’t need anything at all. Reddened mist spreads and fawns on the edges between what is visible and what isn’t. Obi-Wan analyzes each detail tiredly. Maul sits on the verge of the precipice. His legs cross as his head is trained solely on the land below him. Obi-Wan is thankful that he cannot meet his gaze.

“I used to come here to think,” Maul starts. His voice is startling quiet, barely above a whisper. Obi-Wan wonders briefly if he even wants to be heard. “Sometimes, I wondered why Mother Talzin didn’t protect me from him. Other times, I came here for peace of mind. I hope you can find the same peace here as I did.” He hadn’t expected such rawness, but there was no reason for him to expect anything less from him. There was no longer a line between them as there once had been. The sand all looks the same, with no indentation one way or another. Maul shudders and sighs. “Sit down, Jedi. There is no need to hover.”

“Yes,” Obi-Wan blabbers. He impulsively makes the motions to sit beside him. “Of course—”

“And stop being formal,” Maul interrupts. “I do not wish to alarm you, but we may as well be blunt with each other. I want to know what happened and why. I deserve an explanation.” Obi-Wan swallows as his throat seals shut. How does one explain the intricacies of what he feels? It’s certainly not a Jedi’s job. A Jedi isn’t supposed to feel anything _this_ strongly. He sits with legs dangling over the cliffside. 

“You do…” he mutters. “Let me find one—”

“Insufferable as always, Kenobi.”

_“General—”_

_“Master—”_

_“Kenobi.”_

“Obi-Wan— call me Obi-Wan.” Maul turns his fiery gaze to pin him in place. It’s a curious confusion playing across his tattooed face. Tenderness resides there. He refuses to confirm it, peering into the caverns in the ground below.

“Very well, _Obi-Wan_.” Maul occupies his gaze on him. He might as well melt into a puddle and spill off the cliff. “What compelled you to turn to the dark side?” 

_“Tell Padmé I’m so sorry. Tell her that I— that I love her. Tell her I love our child._ _Tell Obi-Wan I— I failed him. Tell him I loved him.”_

He resists the urge to shake.

“Anakin,” he answers simply. “It’s always Anakin.” Maul hums a familiar note.

“Do you want to know what I saw when I touched his saber?” Maul asks. Obi-Wan merely nods. “Before the war, your Padawan had fallen in love with the Queen—”

“Senator,” he corrects pointlessly. Maul continues, unaffected.

“I saw his compassion and deep love for her. How it ebbed and flowed as a source of strength. How he wanted so desperately for you to accept that part of him.” Maul pauses and hesitates. His eyes detach from Obi-Wan and wander amongst the crooked trees. “But then— then, I saw his darkness. His mother’s death and the death of hundreds at the mercy of his saber. Raiders, men, women, and children. He kept that from you. Sidious wished to corrupt him fully— to use that compassion and darkness and turn it against him… yet, he did not yield to it. To the very end, your apprentice was strong— stronger than even I.”

“I cannot go back,” Obi-Wan says. “I cannot change what I told him. Perhaps, if I had told him what I know now, he would still be alive.”

“And what do you know now, Obi-Wan?” The name on Maul’s tongue still feels foreign, and he carefully navigates the emotions they elicit. 

“That none of it mattered. He never belonged in the Order. I made him a promise that he’d become a Jedi, and I failed that promise. The council never trusted him. They all knew, as did I, he could never earn their trust. His feelings echoed so brightly in the Force. Anyone in the temple could feel it. I felt it every day at his side and I—”

Somehow, the anxiety of it all dissipates when Maul looks back at him.

“I ignored it… I knew it and I never helped him. He loved me like a _father_ and I never told him it was okay. All those years of teachings, and I never told him it was okay to love.” Obi-Wan can feel the tears drag across his face, heating his skin. Silence stretches between them with the admission. It doesn’t harm him as it usually does. Not when everything he feels has been left open and bare.

“To love is forbidden to Sith,” Maul speaks quietly. Obi-Wan turns to him, eyes trained on the raging fires that led him here in the first place. “They believe, much like Jedi, that attachment is forbidden. I was told it prevents any self-preservation and lessens your power. It wasn’t until Savage that I was able to see it differently.” He watches as a beast of incredible size flies in the distance. “What the Sith teach… what the Jedi teach, none of it matters. The Force is what should guide us, not some doctrine of old. We are as the Force dictates.” Obi-Wan smiles faintly to himself. The flames surrounding him feel like _home_.

“I never took you for a romantic,” he mutters humorously. Maul doesn’t retort or respond at all for a short time. 

“Perhaps, I am.” 

Obi-Wan might as well turn into ash. Maul shouldn’t be looking at him as he does now. Scrambling, he blurts anything more interesting to present to Maul than the expression on his face.

“I haven’t told you the whole truth,” he says. “I was— before I came to you, I was visiting with Amidala.” Maul nods solemnly. “She— she tried to explain to me how Anakin felt about her. I would say it was enlightening if it weren’t for…” Obi-Wan tries to finish his thoughts but finds nothing else left to say. Maul knows what happened at the prison; he must’ve passed the officer. “I suppose I never could have been a good Master for him. I, myself, have yet to understand what I feel. The complexities are alarming.”

“Tell me,” Maul commands gently. “Say it.”

“The darkness I felt was like nothing of what I was told. I gained power from _emptiness_. I felt nothing of anger or jealousy. It was only suffering and fear.”

“What were you afraid of?” he asks. 

“Losing someone… losing you.” The heat of his face burns and Maul’s touch while near feels so far from his grasp. Obi-Wan wonders bitterly if he has said too much. Perhaps his lines were blurred. but Maul’s still weren’t. Instead, he seems speechless. Obi-Wan sighs deeply. “Scandalous, I know—”

“No,” Maul says quickly. “Long have I waited to hear these words.”

“Surely, that is not true—”

“Quiet, Jedi. I’m going to tell you a story.” Instantly, he shuts his mouth and listens closely. Slowly, Maul begins. “There was once a Sith and an apprentice. The Sith had been given The Apprentice by a witch of Dathomir whom he had shared mutual designs for power. It was agreed that The Apprentice would be raised by the Sith and his code. Evidently, the code by which he lived enforced only pain, and soon The Apprentice would know only its embrace. The Sith thought he had found a suitable match, a worthy minion to do his bidding without question. For a long time, he was right. The Apprentice did all that was asked of him, despite the pain and suffering and hatred it inspired. Then— once the Sith deemed him worthy enough— he told of his machinations to overthrow their common enemy, the Jedi Order. To complete this vision, the Sith sent him on a quest, to track the whereabouts of two Jedi: a Master and a Padawan.” 

Somehow knowing the story doesn’t dampen his intrigue; Obi-Wan wants to know what The Apprentice saw.

“The Apprentice did as he was told and followed them to a desert planet in the Outer Rim. There, he tracked and fought with the Master. But, he wasn’t quick enough and the Master got away. This enraged The Apprentice and brought disappointment to the Sith. He would not tolerate another disappointment. So… The Apprentice followed the two Jedi to Naboo. They brandished their lightsabers and without words, a duel began. Unbeknownst to him, this duel would forever alter The Apprentice’s path. The Master and Padawan assailed him admirably. But ultimately, they were separated from each other. The Master took The Apprentice alone and eventually… he was defeated.

“The Apprentice wanted to take satisfaction out of this victory but, as he saw the Padawan, he was stricken. He could his rage and despair vibrate through the Force itself. It was so strong and palpable, unlike anything The Apprentice had felt before, that it was almost unreal. It was the first time The Apprentice had ever felt anything beyond anger, fear, and hate. But, it was still his duty to defeat the Padawan; as the Sith told him, he was not to spare anyone— no matter what. The Apprentice and Padawan fought until a breach was met. The Apprentice naively believed he had the upper hand. He was wrong. The Padawan cut him in half and The Apprentice felt nothing but pain. As he fell, he could feel the Sith’s disappointment reverberate deeply. This forever marked him a failure. Only his immense suffering allowed his survival. 

“For more than a decade, The Apprentice survived in the junk and clutter of a trash planet. He was left with only one name— the one who had cut him down. His hatred grew so strong that it was the only thing that ever made him feel anything at all. His sanity left him and he remade his legs from various metal and bits of cybernetics. The Apprentice ate rats and shared company with an Anacondan. It was not until The Brother arrived that he was able to free himself. He spoke to The Apprentice with shock and disgust at his appearance and soundness. He took him from the planet and brought him to The Mother who had given him away to The Sith all those years ago. She repaired his broken mind and fixed his makeshift legs. Her magick pained him but restored him. Yet, with sanity intact, his mind still focused solely on the Jedi who had defeated him.

“He was quick to put The Brother under his tutelage. He thought it his duty to teach him all he knew. Then, The Apprentice sought to gain The Jedi’s attention. He killed indiscriminately until he got what he desired. The Jedi came to him and their duel was short; The Apprentice had finally won. But, it did not feel like winning and The Jedi was quick to escape his grasp. As such, The Apprentice devised a new plan to exact revenge against The Jedi. He branched out his power to the rising conflict of another planet. He sought control over all the other gangs, but it gave him no pleasure. Nothing would matter if The Jedi did not come to the warnings. Battles were fought and the Apprentice reigned supreme. Mandalorians followed his lead and he ruled over them without care. He had no interest in ruling. All he wanted— all he ever wanted— was to see The Jedi’s pain.

“The Apprentice then discovered the single person who interested The Jedi on the planet: The Duchess. He took her and held her as bait. Sure enough, The Jedi arrived on the warring planet to save her. Once in the throne room, The Apprentice did the only thing he knew and killed The Duchess. Long had he waited to see it again— The Jedi’s anger and grief. Long had he waited to exact the proper revenge… and yet, it still meant nothing. The Jedi’s grief had invoked the same feeling as before. The Apprentice felt beyond satisfaction and it scared him deeply... for he finally had the words to understand this feeling. What he felt was regret. All he had known was what The Sith had told him. All he had known was what The Sith had implanted in him. He wanted to fight The Jedi— do anything to quell the disquiet he felt at that realization. But, once again, The Jedi got away from him.

“All too soon, The Sith came for him. The Brother and The Apprentice fought him valiantly. It was not enough. The Sith struck down The Brother and disarmed The Apprentice. Knowing his fate, the Apprentice begged The Sith to have mercy on him. He did no such thing. He tortured him for information and plans. He sent him to a prison complex on an icy, desolate planet. His new apprentice interrogated him there. The Apprentice was only rescued by the same Mandalorians who helped him rise to power. His escape was grand, but his joy was short-lived. The Apprentice had yet to feel the impact of The Brother’s death. For all of his time, he had never had someone who respected him and valued him as The Brother had. He had grown to love The Brother and now he was gone, The Apprentice felt purposeless. Thus, he returned to Mandalore and sought The Jedi’s attention once more. He established connections and as his power solidified, he attracted the attention of The Jedi Order.

“Yet, instead of sending The Jedi, they sent a dismissed Padawan. The Padawan was quick to take The Apprentice on his word. He could sense The Sith’s ultimate defeat resound in the Force itself and together they would duel until The Padawan ensured her victory over him. She would imprison him in a box and take him to the same prison in which The Sith had taken him to. Once more, The Apprentice had failed. He had failed to attract The Jedi and he had failed to avenge The Brother. It was here, in that cell, that The Apprentice finally understood what he wanted all along. The Jedi showed him the other side— a new perspective of variance and emotion The Sith had denied him. But furthermore, The Apprentice realized what his ultimate goal of obtaining The Jedi truly was. He simply wanted to see him again, to invoke the same emotions in him. He wanted to feel anything other than what he had been taught to. 

“Then, as if the fates aligned, The Jedi visited The Apprentice in his cell. While their encounter was brief, the effects were… lasting. No matter how hard he had vied for it, nothing was more satisfying than for The Jedi to come to him unbidden. The Apprentice knew it more than just satisfaction— he had words for this, too. For The Jedi to visit him was to understand everything The Sith hadn’t taught him. To believe in something beyond what he knew. To put himself in the place of The Jedi as well as The Sith. In this recognition of both, The Apprentice finally found respite. Yet, there was still something that troubled him. The Jedi had lost his apprentice, The One. He had taken away The Apprentice’s chance at revenge and, with him, The Jedi he once knew. The Jedi was indescribably different than before. The One’s death had stolen the light within him and replaced it with the same suffering he had long wanted to cause him.

“It was then that he experienced an epiphany. The Apprentice had never wanted to cause him suffering. What he wanted was to occupy his thoughts and never cease to be there. What he desired most of all was for The Jedi to think of nothing _but_ him. And it never mattered whether the Jedi hated him or not. All that mattered was he heeded his presence. That the Jedi watched… that the Apprentice always had his attention. It was all he knew to cause suffering. The Apprentice thought suffering would make him stay there amongst The Jedi’s thoughts. But, that never proved fruitful. No— what the Apprentice wanted most he could not gain through anything he had been taught. He had to grasp onto what he didn’t know and pray it would guide him to The Jedi.

“Then, The Apprentice… began to sense similarities between his journey and that of The Jedi who continued to visit him. Both had been marked by loss and suffering. It was this that strung them together, tethering each other without question. Their first encounter had brought back some light to The Jedi. Their tenth and eleventh had made The Apprentice feel dizzy and… exhilarated. Nothing he had ever done before elicited such feelings to the surface. Nothing had ever held The Jedi’s attention for as long. He was starting to understand the feeling— the one he had been chasing after all his life. He wanted to affect The Jedi, but he didn’t want to hurt him anymore. He wanted to understand him, but he didn’t want to cause him suffering. He wanted him to pay close attention but never to look away. He wanted to make him speak and speechless. He wanted to make him duel and never fight at all. He— he wanted to touch him and distance himself. A dichotomy of rivaling emotions, forever in combat with one another.

“And The Apprentice doesn’t know the name of this feeling still to this day…” Maul says finally. 

For a long time, Obi-Wan doesn’t say a word. He simply cannot breathe. It all catches up with him.

_“You are a most infuriating mystery, Jedi.”_

_“Stop it.”_

_“It is quite alright.”_

_“It looks… good on you.”_

_“I’m— I apologize—”_

_“Stupid Jedi.”_

_“I’m not going anywhere, Kenobi.”_

_What would he do without me? And I without him?_

“Does The Jedi ever understand it either?” Obi-Wan asks suddenly. Maul’s eyes snap to his, ensnaring him in the comforting inferno.

“How would I know?” he mutters. There is a pleading hidden between the lines. 

“I suppose you are right…” Obi-Wan leans forward. “But, I know a side of the story you don’t.” Maul doesn’t flinch, watching his movements intently. “Should The Jedi move close to him— should The Apprentice merely gaze in his direction— he might as well burst into ash.”

“Stop it,” whispers Maul. His eyes do not falter from Obi-Wan’s.

“No,” he says simply. “I want you to do it again.”

“What? What is it you want?” _I’ll do whatever you ask_ goes unspoken. Obi-Wan doesn’t hesitate.

“Anything— I’ll let you do anything.” Sharp and shaky, Maul takes in a breath.

“You cannot say such _things_ ,” he relents.

“Why not? Who is here to hear it?” Obi-Wan remarks. “Do it. Whatever it is.”

“Hush, Jedi. You mustn’t ask for what you don’t know.”

“And you do?”

“No… that’s precisely the problem.”

“Please, Maul. Just— just do _something_.”

“I could listen to you beg all day. I will not be swayed—” Obi-Wan lunges forward, whispering into his ear.

“What must I do to sway you?” He backs away but hovers his head close. Maul stills, the rise and fall of his chest ceasing momentarily. His own words used against him, it takes him a few precious seconds to recover.

“You are insufferable.”

“Show me.”

“That you agonize me?” Maul asks. He takes another shuddering breath. “That you ease me?”

“Yes,” says Obi-Wan.

“I’m going to kill you.” It’s an empty threat, the last of which he had left.

“Then, you’re going to die alone.” Maul’s eyes flicker to his lips.

“Quiet, Jedi. I will savor this.”

“Oh, will you?”

“Obi-Wan,” he mutters. “Stop talking.”

“Say it again.” Maul licks his lips.

“Obi-Wan.” 

“Again,” he demands. 

“Obi-Wan, please.” They inch ever closer.

“Please, what?”

“Shut up.”

“Why would I? You will not be swayed—”

“I will cut your clever tongue—”

“Come now, Maul. That would be no fun—”

“What are you doing to me?” It’s more a question to himself than Obi-Wan, but he answers anyway.

“Burning.”

“Is that what it feels like to you? Like being burned?”

“Yes, like burning.”

“That’s surprisingly apt for you, Jedi.”

“It’s the only word fitting.”

“You are quite right,” mutters Maul. He raises an unsteady hand to Obi-Wan’s face. His finger treads a familiar path behind his ear. Then, his fingers run past his ear and take a hold of his hair. Gently, he tugs at the strands locked between. Obi-Wan trembles at the touch. He feels his whole body engulfed in the flames, charred with the contact. He could reach a fever. He could sear himself. He could sizzle into ashes and be whipped away at the wind’s will.

“Do it again.”

“As you wish.” Maul pulls again. Obi-Wan rests his forehead against his, noses brushing. Both close their eyes. Their breathing is ragged and unsteady.

“Don’t leave,” pleads Obi-Wan.

“Please stay,” pleads Maul.

**Author's Note:**

> I will continue this series, but it will be a while as I pre-write all the ideas I have left for this series. Stay tuned!
> 
> Thank you for all the lovely comments and kudos!


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